Review of What If? By Johnathan

What If?, for those of you who may not be giant nerds, is an on-again, off-again series from Marvel comics, filled with tales of alternate realities and hosted by the cosmic-powered, blue-toga'd Watcher. The Watcher's entire race are bald, emotionally detatched voyeurs in blue togas who observe other civilisations for no discernable reason* and are not adverse to telling easily-illustrated tales of the wonders of the cosmos.

The series filled two major needs: firstly, it had about a hojillion artists, and each of them got to draw the Watcher as he or she had always envisioned him, from concerned alien baby:
To grotesque, horrifying alien baby:
But more than merely a vehicle for the apparantly burning need of all comic book artists to draw their own radical new type of alien baby in a blue toga, What If? allowed comic book writers free reign: as all of the stories were set in alternate dimensions, all bets were off. Mostly, this involved taking some major or minor event in Marvel continuity, putting a new spin on it, and killing off as many characters as logically possible, from a dead Iron Man in a story about the Hulk going nuts, to a pretty cool little yarn where giant snake gods eat literally everyone on earth.
But as cool as it always was to see how Captain Britain was going to get killed off this issue, the really great thing about What If? was when it suddenly veered off at right angles and gave you something like this:
Ghost Rider getting ready to sacrifice Pope John Paul II. I don't even remember why anymore. I'm just glad I saved the picture.

JOHN APPROVED

*Note to any comic book nerds that may read this post: Earth X was a shitty reimagining of the Marvel cosmology, and I choose to ignore it, so there.

Review of big butts, By Johnathan

I cannot lie:

JOHN APPROVED

Review of Comic Book Hilarity, by Johnathan

click it! click it good.

Ok, so as usual I'm starting my review with an image taken from a comic book, and as usual that image has been selected because it made me giggle when I saw it for the first time. Unusually, this panel has not been spirited away from a mid-Sixties comic novel, but rather from an issue of Shade the Changing Man, c. 1993. Now, it's not that contemporary (oh shit, '93 isn't that contemporary anymore, is it? Curse you, Father Time!) comics to not bring the laffs with them when they come to visit, it's just that we've all become so much more aware of our senses of humour since der Sixties. The above panel, featuring Ernest Hemingway clobbering a mutated alien police officer while James Joyce eggs him on, could certainly have occurred in a 1965 issue of Superman, but if it had, it wouldn't have been because someone had realized ahead of time that it'd be hilarious (well, probably not, anyway). It would have just happened. Superman would be dicking around in the past - telling people about the future, getting involved in important events, daring the laws of causality to be true, the usual - and he'd run into Hemingway and Joyce, and there'd be a scrap, because there always was. And that's why it would have been funnier to have found this exact panel in that 1965 Superman: because nobody involved meant for shit like this:

so very funny. They just wanted a picture of Clark Kent wrestling some guy, 'cause it was part of the plot. The result: comic gold. Cheap comic gold. Comic fool's gold. Yeah.

JOHN APPROVED

Wait, what did I just approve of?

Review of Some Guy D357roying the Legend of Zelda, by paul

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5245277851446670151

This guy beat TLOZ in 32 minutes.



APPROVED

Review of owning, by paul

Counterstrike servers create about 10 deaths a minute
(based on myown observations, deaths seen and unseen
but generated by a server so, someone saw the death
or could see the death, it happened, it was a game event.
A servers containing 12 - 16 people, over a varity of levels
maintain an avarage of 9-10 deaths a minute.
Its possible that this could be much higher, but do to the
nature of a win scenario in COunter Strike, being almost a
zero sum game, ie at least one team must lose most
if not all of its members in a loss, it
is rare to see fewer than 9-10 a minute. )

15360 minutes in 16 hours of play a day.

5606400 minutes of css a year which means

56064000 deaths on one server a year. In a year we see:

1207170048000 so thats 1.2 trillion(13 digit number)


1.2 trillion virtual deaths caused by counterstrike alone,
if evryone in the world played Counterstrike
(7 billion) that would mean that
each person gets to kill 172 people... ... ...great

The national debt of the united states is 8.4 trillion dollars

The US natinal debt increases by
1680000000(10 digit) a day

all counterstrike servers known by gamespy generate
3307315200(10 digit) virtual deaths a day,
roughly twice as many virtual deaths to virtual dollars
in fact , if one added all othe online gaming deaths,
the numbers would be quite different they would
be prolly 100 times higher or more.

When I own, I like to keep things in perspective.
When i take on the online charcter f10, I like to
get the message out about just how many virtual deaths
can occur. I don't approve of death, but virtual death
is also wrong.

N07 4PPR0V3D

Review of Superman as husband, by Johnathan.

Granted, this is a dream sequence - Supes' cousin Supergirl is hell-bent on finding der Man of Steel a wife (and incidentally causing untold damage to the space-time continuum and my suspension of disbelief in the process) and so visions of marital servitude are naturally enough dancing in her head.

All that aside, though: Superman is a terrible better half, just terrible. Here are some reasons:

a) Superman is a master roboticist/ virtual demigod, yet poor Mrs. Kent still apparently spends her days puttering around their horribly-decorated split-level bungalow, while her so-called better half has exciting adventures in exotic lands. She apparently has so little to do that she has become the greatest cook in all of creation, when really she should be spending her days in a Martian pleasure-palace, waited on hand and foot by automatons and subjugated supervillians.

b) This alien guy. I've read plenty of Sixties Superman comics, and I gotta say: 75-90% of the time, anyone that the Big Blue befriends turns out to have a heart full of betrayal and a secret stash of kryptonite. If he keeps bringing home every 'friend' that he makes once he's outside the ionosphere, sooner or later ol' wifey's going to get fragged. And her with nary a robot in sight to protect her...
Even assuming that Superman never accidentally brings home his new pal the Predator or something, this is a troubling little scene. Why? Three words: explosive allergic reaction. I get the impression that the Two Space Amigos have just dropped in unannounced, and Super-housefrau has pulled the latest in the endless series of meals that she cooks just to ease the bitter loneliness of her existence off of the stove and served it up. Further, I'm betting that even the Universe's Greatest Cook doesn't constantly have a series of different meals on the go, each tailored to a different alien biochemistry, and that one day an unexpected extraterrestrial dinner guest is going to end up as a thin film spattered liberally throughout the dining room. Come to think of it... maybe it's already happened, and that's why the walls are such a terrible shade of yellow.

NOT APPROVED

As a final aside: at the end of the story, Superman described his ideal bride, and it turned out to be someone just like Supergirl, but not his cousin. Uk.

NOT APPROVED

Review of ankles, by Johnathan.

Ankles are good, in that - like all worthwhile joints - they help you to move. Plus, they're handy for use in jokes about how old someone is, as the fetishes of yesteryear (ankles, wrists, knees, post-marital sex), are totally good for a laugh. Ankles are also home to anklets, which are slightly questionable as jewelry, but have a totally bitchin' name. Anklet. Without ankles, we'd all be tottering around like poorly designed robots, which would be hilarious for a couple of days, but would probably get old quick.

However, I twisted my ankle something fierce this morning, so:

JOHN DISAPPROVED

Review of Jean Pierre's Photoshopabilites, By Paul

PAUL APPROVED

Review of Purposed Unpowered Vehicle, by Paul

Even with handles, the Car Seat Flying Saucer would
have been difficult to control. The image of being pulled swiftly across
empty farmers fields, by a small truck, or over open water,
by a fast moving boat, was, for a time, a nice fantasy.
However entertaining, the CFSC would have almost certainly lead
to serious injuries and tremendous dissapointment on the part of
Jean Pierres parents who definatly weren't away for the weekend.
In the end the face of skepticism, left of CSFC,
won over the spirit of entreprenurship, right CSFC.

As for the CSFC.

NOT APPROVED

Review of Old Comic Book Mail-Order Stuff, Part Three, By Johnathan

Next up: The SWITCH-BLADE COMB!


Kind of dumb-looking. Bad idea - bet it got some poor kid shivved.

NOT APPROVED

Review of Old Comic Book Mail-Order Stuff, Part Two, By Johnathan

In contrast with the astonishing and glorious POCKET SPY SCOPE (see Part One), may I present:

The X-RAY SPECS, a heinous and cynical exploitation of the same nerdish lusts served so faithfully by the altruists behind the POCKET SPY SCOPE.
Though an invaluable kitsch resource and generally cool-looking eyewear, the X-RAY SPECS are their core an example of the tendency of humanity to exploit the weakness of its fellows for the dubious pleasure of reaping stacks and stacks of cold, hard cash. The specs operate by optical illusion, and allow one to see 'bones' when peering through them at a hand or an arm. But look at the ad! It says that you can see through clothes! There's a buxom lass in the background! The clear implication is that one can employ these spectacles to play the voyeur on the sly - and how many of our nerdish forebears had their hopes dashed as a result? How many horn-rimmed, bryl-creme'd, zit-encrusted youths gambled their dollar on the specs, figuring that they would ogle their secret crush (and make no mistake - all of their crushes were secret) in public with none the wiser, only to find to their disappointment (six to eight weeks later) that these traitorous lenses simply didn't work as implicitly advertised? How many of those same intrepid, gawky lads had no money left after this soul-crushing betrayal, and were unable to purchase the POCKET SPY SCOPE? How many boys crouched in the undergrowth, pockets protected, squinting forlornly at the lighted window in the distance, where was visible only the occasional and oh-so-tiny glimpse of rosy girl-flesh, rather than the orgiastic/voyeuristic inadvertent strip-show that was their due? How many virgins wept in the rhododendrons?

Geeks of yesteryear, I acknowledge your sorrow.

NOT APPROVED

Review of Web Browser Inconsistencies, by Paul

Hi there,
is there anybody who can tell me why the header of this page results in mislayout using Firefox, while works ok with any other browser (I.E., Opera, Netscape)?
...

Why is not good mix em and px? It's a bad CSS design or just because you I not have idea what the resulting width will be?
...

I just plain stink at positioning unless it is fixed. The float property has always given me grief for some reason. I know the look I want can be achieved as I have seen other layouts that work in Firefox but for some reason, something in my coding somewhere isn't allowing it to happen. Just can't figure out what that is. LOL
Thanks for the info. I will keep playing and see what I can figure out. :)
...

This is not a right or wrong thread, just two way of doing things and the reason for that.

...

Dear forum guy,

I have had your problem with _________ as well, and wow there sure are a lot of ____________ problems. Dont give up. THe best way to achieve the effect you are going for with your web page is actually quite strait forward. Dont be embarrased guy! Any time you see one thing in FF and Opera and another in IE, you can safely bet that its time to cut the web off of your page.

1) Go to the Office supply store and buy a pad of blank paper. Get a lot because there are millions of people on the internet. They all have the same problems as you.

2)Buy a ruler, a compass set and a pack of colored pencils. I have been using these woodless colored pencils: http://www.artstuff.net/woodless_colored_pencils.htm
A lot of people will tell you that you just can't get some resolutions with them, but I think they weren't pressing hard enough. If you can't afford these you can always get a 12 pack of crayolas. Sure there are only 12 colors, but they are affordable and you can get them anywhere. If you are just trying to display text as you say then a 12 pack of crayolas should get you started.

3)Your font woes are familiar territory. THis plastic stencil will sink that battle ship BAM!









4) Now you are ready. Once you are done your page throw it out side and let the world wide do the rest.


NOT APPROVED

Review of Old Comic Book Mail-Order Stuff, Part One, By Johnathan

Part one in a series of close looks at the sort of things that people used to try to sell kids who read comics. Our first guest:

There's only the faintest of attempts to disguise the fact that this device was only ever going to be use for one thing: voyeurism. Watching sports? Counter-spying? Pshaw. This thing, for the low, low price of $1.75, enabled early-60s nerds (possibly the dorkiest nerds of all time, studies indicate) to gorge their pasty, lustful eyes on beehive-ed maidens en boudoir. Until I learned of this, I was troubled and confused by the insistence of the authors of the era on describing undergrowth as 'sticky.' Now, however, I am troubled and proud, knowing that as I read I am witnessing the legacy of my nerdish forebears - and the indomitable POCKET SPY SCOPE!

JOHN APPROVED

Review of bezoars, by johnathan

Bezoars are formed when undigestable material accretes ith the stomach of a human or animal. there are several different kinds, classified by the type of material that forms the bulk of the mass. Bezoars can be formed of hair, plant fibres, and even the gel capsules that medication is delivered in. Trichobezoars, pictured here:
are the hair-based type. They often build up in the stomachs of young girls who chew on the ends of their hair. Trichobezoars are packed with partially-digested food, and therefore smell terrible. As you can see, the bezoar conforms precisely to the shape of the stomach, and usually must be surgically removed.
Bezoars have a long mythic history - they were traditionally believed to be proof against poison, and European royalty frequently had them set in gold, like gemstones.

...

Bezoars are incredibly gross.


NOT APPROVED

Review of kid sidekicks, by Johnathan

I'm not totally opposed to the notion of youthful sidekicks for superheros - the Robin series has turned out okay (except for the *ahem* unpleasantness with Jason Todd), and I'm sure that I could think up another if I spent a few seconds... Speedy. He's okay. Except for the smack.
Anyway, if you do happen to begin adventuring with a coyly elfen boy-child, and your collective weakness just happens to be a phisiological need for regular moistening, and you are required to avail youself of the milky bounty of a mountain goat or die... try not to make it lok like you're grimly shooting hircine ejaculate into the gleeful face of your hot pants-clad boy toy. Because that's gross.
NOT APPROVED

Review of Lex Luthor, by Johnathan.

Ok, so he doesn't have anything to do with the ray, but still: it's a ray! From space! An unexpected one! Luthor is friggin' cool as a cucumber here, in what might be classified as 'incredibly bizzarre circumstances'. Even the ape-faced murderer in the background is kind of weirded out, and he's ray-free. But Lex... dude would be smoking a pipe if he had one.

JOHN APPROVED.

Review of this tiny version of Photoshop that I got, by Johnathan

So I had some picture that I needed to edit, but I've rapidly been filling up my computer with comic books - space is at a premium, yo. The solution, an incredibly small version of Photoshop. Seriously, you can run it off of a usb storage device. It's really wee, is what I'm saying, which leaves more room for comics, and more room for comics means that I'm going to find more stuff like this:



















Superman doing a Flavor Flav bit in the 60s. This guy has always been ahead of the game.

Tiny Photoshop: JOHN APPROVED.

Super Flav: JOHN APPROVED.

John: Oppressed by a Crow

Not really - this guy was awesome.

JOHN APPROVED

A belated review of the construction guys, by Johnathan,

I agree with Paul, but must add this: when C.O.R.E Construction started work it kind of looked like they were putting in a moat for the fitness place next door, which would have been unbearably awesome.
Since they did not, I'm putting it in bold:

NOT APPROVED

Review of smells, By Johnathan.

Not all smells - that would take a while.

OK, so last week Paul was away and I didn't know when garbage day was and now there's a bag of garbage lurking in the kitchen, waiting to be taken out. There are smells hiding in this bag and sometimes when I am nearby they ambush my nose in an unpleasant manner. Plus, last week was kind of rainy and cold, so I closed all of the windows in the apartment as a survival tactic, resulting in a buildup of 'man smell' in my room. The apartment, in short, was not an olfactory symphony. It was more like... nostril muzak.

NOT APPROVED