Saturday, November 24, 2007

Review of Future Current Events, By Johnathan

BIG FONT WARNING: SPOILERS AND SALTY LANGUAGE AHEAD.



Holy shit! I've been picking up the recent issues of Action Comics, first because of Bizarro and then keeping it up because of the LSH story that has been rocking the proverbial house. It's been neat to read what is essentially a retro Legion story and a well-told one at that, so this week I cracked open Action Comics No. 859 with all expectation of enjoyment and I'm all like "Neat! the Batcave!" and then this happens:


!!! Holy shit again! This issue was written especially for me! It's the Legion of Super-Human Detritus! Honestly, Golden Boy? Storm Boy? this is fantastic! Wait... check this:


A handy picture guide. Compare and contrast character designs!

The appearance of Absorbancy Boy/Earth-Man really threw me for a loop. A-Boy originally showed up in Superboy No. 218. He got rejected from the Legion - despite his glorious muttonchops and ability to absorb and utilize residual superhuman energies - and stood by and glowered whilst Quake Kid tried to score with Infectious Lass. He then weaseled his way back into the clubhouse to try to interfere with Tyroc's induction into the Legion, only to be beaten down by the Mauler from Marzal himself. How much do I want Tyroc to show up at the end of this story for a rematch? Very, very much.

I see that The Tusker and Golden Boy have been toughened up a bit for this appearance - I shall refrain from making a joke about Golden Boy turning himself into gold by masturbating (no I won't).

Wait, if the Tusker has unbreakable bones then what happened to his tooth?

And so on. My thoughts on these characters have been logged on the Internets for all to read. I love them all, even as I love to mock them. I'm just super glad that the Legion of Throwaway Characters is getting their time in the sun. Sure hope that The Mess shows up before this is all through (Alternate version of this joke that I forgot to use: I sure hope that Lester Spiffany is behind all of this).

Thoroughly, totally JOHN APPROVED

8 comments:

Blockade Boy said...

Tusker's real name is "Horace"?! Haw! I can't wait to rib him about that. And this Alterna-Tusker is even lamer than I'd imagined. Alterna-Storm Boy looks Alterna-BORING. (Unless his hair is arranged in a sweet man-perm and not just flying up in the air, in which case I take it all back.) But my biggest beef with these evil twins: where is Alterna-Blockade Boy? WHERE?!

Johnathan said...

He will arrive just in time to save Matter-Eater Lad again. But this time he won't "die". They'll form the Galaxy's Greatest ass-kicking team!

Blockade Boy said...

Alterna-SWEET!

Baal said...

Have you guys ever considered offering the former writer of Major Spoilers a new home for his hero histories of the Legion?

Michael said...

Since Blockade Boy was not a Legion reject, I don't expect to see him here. Plus, in this continuity, he might have actually been killed.

Awesome art moment that I'm surprised BB didn't pick up on: Alterna-Absorbancy Boy (aka Earth-Man)'s mutton chops!

Johnathan said...

Well, Paul has been AWOL for a while, but I don't know if 'Former Writer of Major Spoilers and John Review' has the same ring to it.

Blockade Boy said...

Michael: Good points. The other thing I realized about this group is that they're all from Earth. That leaves me out, in any event. I missed the muttonchops at first (discussed them in the comments section on my own blog, later) because they're so dang short, even the colorist didn't seem to realize they were there. Alterna-muttonchops are just cheap knock-offs of the real thing!

Johnathan said...

They were glorious and grand, those chops. It was like he had the tail of a golden retriever grafted to each side of his face.