Sunday, June 01, 2008

High-Tech Tomorrow: Review of the Time-Mirror, By Johnathan

Just as Infectious Lass' soul-crushing rejection inspired the Super-Human Detritus series of reviews, today's entry is the inspiration for this catalogue of the majestic wonder that is 30th Century technology - and it didn't even take me half as long to get around to as Infectious Lass did!

Every once in a while, the Legion would get a big pile of gifts from some planet or other, in gratitude for the time that they defeated Galtor the Demon Spacegoat or stopped Validus from double-parking or gave their people sound financial advice. These interstellar gift-fests are third cousins to the sublime Legion Try-outs, only instead of being all "Lookit the weirdos and the weird stuff they do!" they instead are all "Lookit all the weird stuff and the weird stuff it do!". It's a fine distinction, but it's there nonetheless. Gift-gettings were never quite as entertaining as the Try-outs, due to the reduced chances of some poor slob having her/his dreams pulverized, but they're still some good fun.

Enough meandering preamble! On to the Time-Mirror!

For all that it has only one panel-worth of Pre-Crisis continuity, the Time-Mirror raises quite a few intriguing questions. Firstly, what is Saturn Girl so durned happy about? Sure it's a neat rick, but has she taken a good look at that image? Now, I don't subscribe to any fashion-model standard of beauty, but this isn't about me. I have met precious few women (nor girls, lasses or princesses) who would react with delight upon seeing that a future version of themselves has developed hips wide enough that she cannot comfortably stand at rest with her hands in front of them. Maybe she hasn't looked that far down? I mean, the gray hair looks good, the glasses are nice and she seems to have kept her skin free of unfortunate melanoma - maybe these discoveries have drawn Saturn Girl's attention and she has not yet noticed that under that high-belted skirt she has apparently doubled in width? Or maybe that mysterious bald patch in her hair hints at experiments in trepannation?

And how exactly does this Time-Mirror work, anyway? Does it actually look through time to find a picture of you when you're older? Is Karate Kid in for a big surprise the next time he visits the Hall of Gifts? Seems like a bad/depressing use of time travel technology, really. Maybe the mirror contains a complex computer that analyses your physical structure and researches your family medical history and then generates a picture based on all of this evidence? Or did the people of Xalla go cheap and just send a mirror that takes your picture, grays the hair, adds glasses and about 20 pounds and hikes up the old waistline a bit? What will Cosmic Boy see if he looks? Will he also be very hippy?

And just why does Saturn Gran have her legs crossed like she has to pee?

Time-Mirror, you make my head hurt.

NOT APPROVED

In case you were wondering, here's what was in that box that Cosmic Boy was opening"

A plant that grows a tiny belligerent dinosaur?

JOHN APPROVED

2 comments:

spazmo said...

I bet the next package they open contains one of Validus' more "heroic" bowel movements.

And the card reads:
Gag gift! Har Har!
Your foes,
The Fatal Five

Johnathan said...

Little knowing that if they'd labeled it "Fecal money from Planet Koh-lon it'd go straight into the trophy room.