Saturday, August 18, 2007

Future Zoo: Review of the Kangobronc, By Johnathan

Adventure Comics No. 323! An issue in which Proty II, of the Legion of Super-Pets, issues a challenge/riddle to The Legion of Super-Heroes. Whoever came up with the correct answer to this riddle would get to be the new leader of the Legion, because solving obtuse puzzles posed by protoplasmic entities is the real test of one's leadership abilities. A part of this whole Proty-question thing was him sending various Legionnaires on weird little missions all over the galaxy and claiming that they would find clues to the puzzle while doing so. Personally, I think that the whole thing was just a big power trip on Proty's behalf - I can practically (er... telepathically) hear him screaming "Dance for me, my doltish superteens! DANCE!"

As a part of this bizarre little exercise, Proty sends Saturn Girl to the Space Rodeo (or something like that) with orders that she win the toughest event. Turns out, that event is fairly awesome:


Racing winged kangaroos that are so mean that you need to put mind-control helmets on them to keep them from doing battle? That's pretty cool, in a ridiculous kind of way. As is the concept of launching a model rocket to start a race. Plus, the alien announcer's tiny bullhorn and target-shaped yarmulke. Good lord! I ironically appreciate this panel so much that I believe I may be getting the vapours. Mercy.


Phew. Well, now that I've recovered from that particular fainting spell (durned corset), back to the comic-blogging! Saturn Girl figures that she can just mentally order the kangobronc (for that is its name) to do her bidding but the no-fight helmet interferes. Cripes - that thing has a really short wingspan doesn't it? Maybe it's full of helium or something, to compensate.



Saturn Girl comes out on top, though, using the awesome power of sex! Which is actually kind of clever, though she is going to have a tricky time getting off of he trusty kangobronc. I mean, it's still wearing the mind-control helmet, right? So there's no way that it can be dissuaded from doing the nasty with Mrs. Kangobronc as soon as they stop. I guess they are at a rodeo, though. Maybe Saturn Girl can get a few extra points if she can stay in the saddle during the hot kangobronc-on-kangobronc action that is shortly to ensue.

Anyway, the kangobronc looks completely ridiculous, but I love its name, so:

JOHN APPROVED.

There's one more Future Zoo-centric event at the Intergalactic Rodeo: The Dinosaur-Throwing Contest! Manly men from across time and space come together with one goal: to stun a dinosaur with their paralysis gloves and then heave it through a hoop.


Man... I don't remember there being dinosaurs like that. I'm pretty sure that if Earth had a creature with a naturally-evolved buzz saw attached to its head there would have been a cheesy horror movie made about it by now.


Dinosaur basketball is a pretty good sport. Plus, these guys are tough. They brave whirling buzzsaw disfigurement and then throw something the size of a medium-large dog (and the buzz-saw's still going). I bet that they get all the hot alien honies.

I'm pretty sure that this is the most manly thing that you'll see today:


The dinosaurs themselves? A bit silly, I must admit. Silly or not, though, they've got buzz-saws on their heads. They'll mess you up, meng.

JOHN APPROVED.

5 comments:

ABS said...

Wow, man. The crazy just never ends.

Johnathan said...

I could probably do these for a year or so, seriously.

mike abbott said...

AKA: Lar Gand. Good name, if slightly Nordic-sounding. always reminds me of flowers, for some reason.

maybe the word garland.

Johnathan said...

An interesting thought, if oddly placed.

Johnathan said...

Oh! and probably correct.