Friday, August 03, 2007

Future Zoo: Review of the Parakat, By Johnathan

As I mentioned in the previous post, Superboy was hitting on a sweet piece of Xanthu named Zynthia in order to make Lana jealous as a lesson to her for trying to make him jealous. Meanwhile, Jughead was judging a hamburger-eating contest at Pop's Chok'lit Shoppe but was having a hard time paying attention to the contestants and not the food.

The writers of this comic have made an assumption that the one thing that teenage girls want is for their beaus to give them things, and especially things that require the use of superpowers. This may be true, which would explain my dating track record in high school. In any case, the girls keep asking Superboy and Star Boy to do things like making huge gemstones or glowing dresses. This is cool, but then Zynthia pulls out this request:


Dude! What? You want a tiger? Why the hell do you want a tiger? Is it just as proof that Superboy likes you enough to do things for you, like the time a girl got me to eat a worm? Because there are things that you can get him to do that won't screw up a tiger's life. You could get him to, say, eat a worm. C'mon, it'll be hilarious!

Since Zynthia isn't as cool as me (or that girl I mentioned), Superboy goes after the tiger. And then we learn why it's called a Parakat:


It's a terrible pun! Xanthu was settled by punsters! Or perhaps just punster zoologists. Stopping only to diss the poor creature a little, Superboy leaps into action!


Y'know, someday someone's going to try this in a Vertigo comic and there's going to be all kinds of severed tiger tail action. Seriously: I don't think that most animal tails are built to withstand that kind of stress. Okay, maybe monkey tails, but they're prehensile. This poor critter's going to need some sort of therapy after all of this is done. Hopefully it doesn't need the tail for balance or anything.


Stunning revelation! The beast is sentient!It totally formed a sentence all on its own! Seriously, if it just mimicked human speech like Superboy assumes, wouldn't it be saying something like "Argh! It got my leg! My god, the pecking! Sweet moons of Xanthu, it's mimicking human speech while it eviscerates Larry!" and so forth? I mean, when does a bird-faced tiger hear the word 'dizzy'? Stupid anthropocentric speciesist Superboy doesn't see things that way, though, and promptly enslaves what is clearly an oppressed species to begin with (you can be damn sure that they didn't think up the name 'Parakat', for one thing).


And so the noble Parakat, feared throughout the Jungle Mountains of Xanthu, is reduced by an uncaring Superboy to the status of greeting card. The poor beast, a great leader among his people, was later slaughtered in order that Zynthia might have a Parakat-skin bikini and seat-covers for her Sky Canoe. Plus her father used the skull for an ashtray. Parakat-skin clothing soon became the height of fashion, resulting in rampant poaching. Today (well, a thousand years from today) there are less that 47 Parakats remaining in the wild. Thanks, Superboy.

The Parakat is JOHN APPROVED. Zynthia? NOT APPROVED.

3 comments:

Ben said...

You know, I've still never read the first few pages of this story, but I do love it so. And the thing I love the most? Superboy's sense of priorities about space beast appearances. "My Golly! It's stripes run the WRONG WAY. Oh, and it's half parrot. And can talk. But those nutty stripes!"

Also, everything else.

Anonymous said...

this post made me snort in an undignified mannor. good. job.

devin

Johnathan said...

Superboy is pretty great for that. He's like 2/3 jaded. "Oh yawn another alien tiger... holy cow but its stripes are friggin' horizontal!" *That's* why he hardly dates.

My goal is to take all of the dignity out of snorting.